there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
