i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You were trust falling into bushes
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
