took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I want her autograph on my taint
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
