he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
he fucked my hip out of place.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
