I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
