This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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