God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
