life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
