I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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