My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
