I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
