You're earring is so big in my mouth
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
