Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
