Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
