he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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