If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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