i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
