Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
