i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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