Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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