Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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