Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
tell your sister to shave her snatch
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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