i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
