3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
