He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Randomize
