Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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