My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Vodka?
Forever.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
