so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
