How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
