It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
