You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
