So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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