I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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