Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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