I wannas sexs uuuuu
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
