I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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