shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
