I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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