If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
