Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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