yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
