I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
