so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
