broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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