i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
