how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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