Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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