You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
