Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
