He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My pussy is not your playground.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
